I've had to deal with people talking and going on about sex since high school. People going on about how sex should be saved for marriage, others saying it doesn't matter and do it whenever you want. If I say that I've never had sex and have no desire to do so, it's as if I've personally offended them.
One day while I was at work (I had a job at a casino, to give some context), I mistakenly told one of our regulars that I was a virgin. One reason being that I was annoyed he kept suggesting to me that if I shut my legs, my boyfriend would give me whatever I wanted. That was his advice for me getting my boyfriend to propose. So I said we don't do that kind of thing, as he'd shown religious leanings in the past, I thought he'd back off. Nope, apparently, I was like a wild unicorn. At first, it was hilarious, as he just quieted down and left me alone for the rest of the night.
Then came two days later. Honestly, I should have known better. This man was vulgar on most days and was always coming up to the counter talking about the porn (in great detail!) on his phone. He decided it was his job to tell me that someday my boyfriend would take what he wanted from me. That that was what God intended and nothing I did would stop that from happening.
It took everything in me not to snap and come out right then (I'm not out as trans, as I've said, though then he would have been homophobic/transphobic instead, as he has been in the past). Or to say something insulting right back. Or to just climb over the counter and do something back at him. As it was, my face still went majorly red as it does when I'm uncomfortable (I have no control over it) and I walked away after finishing my job. That was when my supervisor finally stepped in, to which the man told her some derogatory stuff in turn and then finally left the counter.
A lot of that honestly could have been handled a lot better. My coworkers took my side, though they wondered why I didn't stand up for myself. I had said no to him repeatedly but walked away when I was close to saying something to cost me my job, which they understood. My supervisors on the other hand... It was my fault because I "riled him up". By what, saying no? Making it very clear in my actions and tone that he was making me uncomfortable? If the single male supervisor had been working that day, I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue. As it was, the two female ones often don't stand up to the customers like these.
Things like this don't happen often to me, but it happens enough that I've been insecure for years. I have no control over the fact that I don't experience sexual attraction. I'm just not wired that way. But other people don't have to insist that they know better than I do about me. Keep your opinions and hands to yourself. Which brings me to these pictures I found on FB today:
I'm lucky, in a lot of respects. I haven't had anyone assault me or push themselves on me. The most I've had are vivid nightmares of being raped and the like. But this isn't something that should be dismissed. It's not okay.
The other day it was pointed out to me that most of the asexual representation in movies or books in severely tilted towards women. "400 ace characters, of which only 35 are men" tilted. So men have next to none. I searched this for myself and found that not only is there next to none, but any that are are Villian-coded or have no happy ending. Not to mention less than half of that 35 are also aro (aromantic-no romantic attraction).
Another personal experience of mine is bringing up being ace in some of my trans support groups. I've been told that being ace is probably just because I'm insecure, and I'll experience sexual attraction when I get on T. Nevermind the fact I'm still weighing whether or not I want to go that route, but still. What if I remain ace even after then? Is there any representation for ace trans men? Not that I could find.
Something needs to change. And acephobia should be taken seriously instead of brushed off over and over. I'm writing more books to help fix the balance in that way, but others need to step up, too. We're not alone. It's estimated 1% of the population is asexual, which seems small, but is actually roughly 75 million people, or 75,000,000. So, something has to change and who else is going to help?
-Vic
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