Being Ace- 1

TW: acephobia, sexism, rape, more warnings included on 1st photo of 3 at the end of the post

         I've had to deal with people talking and going on about sex since high school. People going on about how sex should be saved for marriage, others saying it doesn't matter and do it whenever you want. If I say that I've never had sex and have no desire to do so, it's as if I've personally offended them.

         One day while I was at work (I had a job at a casino, to give some context), I mistakenly told one of our regulars that I was a virgin. One reason being that I was annoyed he kept suggesting to me that if I shut my legs, my boyfriend would give me whatever I wanted. That was his advice for me getting my boyfriend to propose. So I said we don't do that kind of thing, as he'd shown religious leanings in the past, I thought he'd back off. Nope, apparently, I was like a wild unicorn. At first, it was hilarious, as he just quieted down and left me alone for the rest of the night.
         Then came two days later. Honestly, I should have known better. This man was vulgar on most days and was always coming up to the counter talking about the porn (in great detail!) on his phone. He decided it was his job to tell me that someday my boyfriend would take what he wanted from me. That that was what God intended and nothing I did would stop that from happening.
         It took everything in me not to snap and come out right then (I'm not out as trans, as I've said, though then he would have been homophobic/transphobic instead, as he has been in the past). Or to say something insulting right back. Or to just climb over the counter and do something back at him. As it was, my face still went majorly red as it does when I'm uncomfortable (I have no control over it) and I walked away after finishing my job. That was when my supervisor finally stepped in, to which the man told her some derogatory stuff in turn and then finally left the counter.

         A lot of that honestly could have been handled a lot better. My coworkers took my side, though they wondered why I didn't stand up for myself. I had said no to him repeatedly but walked away when I was close to saying something to cost me my job, which they understood. My supervisors on the other hand... It was my fault because I "riled him up". By what, saying no? Making it very clear in my actions and tone that he was making me uncomfortable? If the single male supervisor had been working that day, I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue. As it was, the two female ones often don't stand up to the customers like these.

         Things like this don't happen often to me, but it happens enough that I've been insecure for years. I have no control over the fact that I don't experience sexual attraction. I'm just not wired that way. But other people don't have to insist that they know better than I do about me. Keep your opinions and hands to yourself. Which brings me to these pictures I found on FB today:

         I'm lucky, in a lot of respects. I haven't had anyone assault me or push themselves on me. The most I've had are vivid nightmares of being raped and the like. But this isn't something that should be dismissed. It's not okay.
         The other day it was pointed out to me that most of the asexual representation in movies or books in severely tilted towards women. "400 ace characters, of which only 35 are men" tilted. So men have next to none. I searched this for myself and found that not only is there next to none, but any that are are Villian-coded or have no happy ending. Not to mention less than half of that 35 are also aro (aromantic-no romantic attraction).
         Another personal experience of mine is bringing up being ace in some of my trans support groups. I've been told that being ace is probably just because I'm insecure, and I'll experience sexual attraction when I get on T. Nevermind the fact I'm still weighing whether or not I want to go that route, but still. What if I remain ace even after then? Is there any representation for ace trans men? Not that I could find.

         Something needs to change. And acephobia should be taken seriously instead of brushed off over and over. I'm writing more books to help fix the balance in that way, but others need to step up, too. We're not alone. It's estimated 1% of the population is asexual, which seems small, but is actually roughly 75 million people, or 75,000,000. So, something has to change and who else is going to help?

-Vic

Rambling Thoughts - 1

TW: mentions of transphobia and doubt


         So, this week I've got writer's block. I've been trying to make posts out in advance, but all of them are half done or fragments, what have you.
         When in doubt, I just start rambling. Just bear with me, alright?

         One thing that's got me stuck lately has been doubt. Doubt in myself, doubt in friends, in family. Honestly, it's mostly about me being trans.
         I came out as ace with very little fanfare. Just a Facebook post explaining it and saying this is what I am. It wasn't too bad, and I didn't get any sour reactions to it. Honestly, that's probably because anyone who would have issues with it isn't following me anymore. Or they just don't check Facebook. The first is probably more likely in some cases because I've been sharing more LGBT positive posts. I friended a lot of folks when I was in my senior year of high school, you know, before I realized that Catholics weren't as fantastic as they said they were. (Disclaimer: Not all Catholics are horrible, just as Christians are not. It all comes down to the person themself.)
         A lot of my family was accepting, which was nice. My immediate family knows about all of it now. I told my sister first, then my parents. Sister got a phone call and my parents got a letter. The letter came from an attempt to come out while my boyfriend was visiting, but chickening out and writing out my feelings instead.

         Now, my extended family didn't react badly to me being ace. However, from past posts, I know that at least one of my relatives is transphobic. They aren't blood-related, just one of the married in ones. According to them, pronouns are selfish, and making a big deal out of your chosen name is ridiculous. Which isn't true. Mental health is important, and to downgrade it to being "selfish" is kind of a jerk move on their part.
         Honestly, they're gonna eat crow once I come out. Or they'll just be one of the people I cut out of my life. My only hope is that it won't prevent me from seeing my cousins, because that would suck. Well, unless they adopt the same ideas as her. We'll find out someday.

         But until then, I'll be coming up with more and more ways to prove I am me and not have to seek approval. Because the one who comes first is yourself. At least in stuff like this.

-Vic

12th Grade- Letter 1

 TW: mentions of Gender Dysphoria, Anxiety, and Depression

Dear senior year me,

         I know you're stuck right now. This whole thing sucks. Your friends aren't making much sense. They're not communicating anymore. But you know something else?

        Those friends aren't going to be around much longer. You'll see their true colors when times get hard and when they get better too. I know that's hard to hear. It was hard for me the first time. Well, technically, the second, as we both know this has happened before. But this time we know more.

        We know that not everybody you know for years you can trust. We know that you need to trust your instincts. When you get a bad vibe, you believe it. If someone tells you to go against your gut, you tell them no. Actually, don't even tell them no. Just ignore their well-meaning suggestions. Because even if they think it's good for all parties, it might not be right for you.
        Trust your gut.

        Crying alone in your room won't last forever, either. Well, it still happens, but it's not for people that don't matter. Plus, it won't be every night, just for a few low nights. And you have great friends who care about you. New ones, who care about you in the bad times as well as good.
        Also, spoilers, but you have a boyfriend, too. He's nerdy and adorkable. You'll be nervous, but he's supportive and caring. It'll be scary to trust again so soon, but he's one of the good ones. He loves you for you. He's not just your boyfriend; he's one of your best friends.

        And try on some button down-shirts and ties, for goodness sake. I know it's against the dress code at school, but you haven't shied away from trying things when you're alone. Trust me, none of your family is going to judge you. And they definitely aren't going to notice when you get a binder in three years. Sorry, spoilers.
        Seriously, though. Formal shirt and tie, that's all I'm asking.

        Don't listen to the crap your teachers are spewing about gay guys being gross and trans people being confused. They don't know because they don't care to. So they won't research and have an open mind like you do. They've got their own ideas already. Just be yourself and stay open.

-Vic

My Story

Hiya,
      So, you're probably looking for some juicy details about a stranger's life. It is called a not-so-secret diary, after all.
         Truth is, I don't think my life is that entertaining. I'm just a bi-demi-romantic asexual trans-guy/nonbinary-questioning being, after all. Yeah... That's a mouthful I'll explain in my posts over time.

         From kindergarten to 12th grade, I attended private Catholic schools. Then after that, I went to a more progressive Christian college. Either way, I had limited knowledge of the LGBT community. My high school wouldn't even let us learn about the human reproductive systems in biology class. Just to give you a general idea.
         Granted, my college was at least more open and somewhat accepting of the LGBT community, even if they didn't understand it. Still, it took some books, some tv shows, and going down a YouTube hole around Pride Month for me to discover anything. My general idea beforehand was that gay people were gross, and if you were confused about your gender, the answer was when you looked down in the bathroom.
         At the time, I admit I laughed along, albeit confused and somewhat painfully. As far as I knew, there was only one classmate who was part of the LGBT community. Back then, it would have been great to know I was ace. The only thing I'm thankful for about being awkward and in a small Catholic school is that I didn't get into any relationships. Because if my ex-friends had their way, I most likely would have gotten myself into a lot of situations I would have regretted. They were probably well-meaning, but for me personally, it would have been bad.

          Leading on from that, before realizing the mouthful I said earlier, I'm also somebody who's got ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Yay!
          .....
          Yeah, it's not that great. And now, you can add on the awareness of recognizing gender dysphoria for what it is. To sum up, I got screwed over by the lottery of life. (I'm also short with formerly messed up teeth.)

          My story isn't over, clearly. So it's honestly hard to write this page. I've written everything relevant as of now. Well, other than everything about my wonderful and amazing best friend who also happens to be my boyfriend of three years now. Though to be fair, if I start talking about him, we'll be here forever because I love him so much. I'll probably mention him more than once throughout this blogging journey anyway.
          The plan is I post something every week, so keep an eye out.

See ya soon,
-Vic